My mind was racing. Heart pounding so hard that it muted all the other sounds and even my thoughts. I had always dreamt of this day and imagined how it could go. I had seen this scene on so many shows and movies and always had the strong desire to experience it when it became mine. But now this is reality. Will tonight be that night? Am I ready?

I came out of the washroom after checking a million times whether my face was intact and hair was perfectly set in place. Although I was in my carefully-selected pajamas, I felt so self-conscious. I dried my face and set the towel aside. I checked myself in the mirror by the dressing table.

He was glancing at the TV, switching channels. Switching channels? Is he actually trying to look for something to watch or avoiding looking at me? Is he as nervous as I am? But he is a guy. This was supposed to be their cloud nine. They don’t get nervous, do they?

“Done?”

“Yup. Let’s eat?” I asked nervously.

“Ya, sure.”

As I reached to put on some lotion on my ever-so dry hands, I sensed him getting up from the bed behind me. Was he coming here?! What do I do? Ok, act natural. Don’t turn around, you will look desperate. Continue looking at yourself in the mirror. Maybe, he is just going to unpack the take-out containers.

He was walking towards me. I could feel my breathing getting heavier and heavier. I started to feel the heat in an A/C room. This was supposed to be a honeymoon suite and yet the temperature setting was so high.

As I pretended to casually reach for the comb, he hovered over me and reached for both of my hands.

“May I?” Wow, he was asking my permission! What a gentleman.

“Uhuhnn” I couldn’t even breathe, let alone speak! I could feel his warm breath on my shoulder. I was wearing a wide neck T-shirt (very unintentional). He leant in close to smell my hair. My stupid hair never strongly captured the aroma of any shampoo. I hope his sense of smell was good. We stood there for what felt an hour, but more so just 2 minutes. I gripped his hands even tighter as moments passed by with him just nudging against my neck. With both of his hands wrapped around me, he backed us up to the edge of the bed. He sat down and slowly pulled me on to him. Oh crap! I was numb with the fear of the unknown. I had always told my friend that I would be the one dominating or initiating this process, but here I could not even budge. I was literally blank and completely at his mercy. But there was no hesitance. It felt so peaceful, beautiful and passionate. I tried to place myself on the bed, but he didn’t let go.

“You alright?”

“Mmhmm” Giving the slightest of a nod.

He turned me around to face him sideways and locked his left hand fingers into mine.

With the other hand, he brought me in closer to him. His perfume was just enchanting. I sat there awkwardly watching my chest moving up and down.
In a soft tone, he said, “Hey, you don’t need to be scared. This is my first time as well. We won’t do anything until we are both ready. I am not here for that. I want to get to know what’s in here (pointing towards my heart) before anything else. But again, it will be a mutual decision. When the time is right, we will both know.”

My heart melted. For the first time since we entered this room, I glanced up and stared into his eyes. Now I had to give my token of gratitude for being the wonderful husband that he was. I leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I put my hands over him and embraced him with a hug. We remained like that for quite a long time. I could hear his heart beating. It was such a serene moment. Everything felt just right. I could feel my heart still beating fast but now for a completely different reason.

*****

By Maya 🙂

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